"Grief is the response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, cultural, spiritual and philosophical dimensions. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement refers to the state of loss, and grief is the reaction to that loss."
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Photography series, "Portrait of a Grieving Desert Artist I" Venaya J. Yazzie, 2020 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED |
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Photography series, "Portrait of a Grieving Desert Artist II" Venaya J. Yazzie, 2020 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED |
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Living life after the loss of "mom" Jane is like wandering upon the hallways of desert lands with no water source.
Five months have passed since her last moment on this earth - and it feels as though my heart passed on and also left. I am still numb from her abrupt departure. I am, I feel now a true wanderer- trekking through the vertical blue hues of northwestern New Mexico skies.
I feel lost everyday now. I now find my shadow lingering on the edge of sandstone mesas, while I work to navigate through the emptiness of horizontal eastern Dine' sage lands.
The memory of Shima' (mother) is imprinted on the palms of my hands; but I am losing the sound of her voice in my mind. I miss her everyday, every minute. I long to hear her language, the language of love, of ancestor - empathy - the kind she spoke in our Mother Tongue, nihi zaad. This emptiness is visceral, it continually tugs at my brown desert skin, and I try to push it away, but it never leaves and therefore lives in my air space.
I don't know what the hour will bring to my eastern front door, yet I am anxious to hear matriarch narrative, the kind she delivered and nestled into the softness of my heart. The life I had before "mom" passed on was sacred. The fact that she physically existed and lived in this world with me, along side me - was like living on a cloud from heaven. Now that she is no longer here, I just don't know what this life is about. Everyday I wake and search for a memory of her, a time when we had shared happiness and loving laughter, a time of life when I knew there was a person who loved me, who truly adored me.
I long for the days when I can share dialogue with Shima' again. That moment will ease the weight of pain and loneliness that I now carry on my back bone. I long to see her glittering face smiling upon my humbled being. I long to hear her shimmering voice, expressing love, love, love to my humanness. I long to hold her hands again and hear her say to me, "Shi'ch'e'e ayoo iinishni, I love you daughter."
Until then I wait and walk on. Each day I find myself among the sagebrush lands she loved to be among, and I touch the tips of the blue-green sage.
Moments that brings some comfort.
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"Grief is so human, and it hits everyone at one
point or another, at least, in their lives.
If you love, you will grieve, and that is just given."
BLESSINGS in all Things,
Venaya Yazzie
New Mexico Artist
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